I was presenting at a sales training in Indianapolis last week when I heard something absolutely shocking. The group was discussing culture when Tom, one of the salespeople, shared: “I had a friend who provided some constructive feedback to his boss behind closed doors. Two days later, my friend was fired.”

My eyes bulged. My jaw dropped. My stomach churned. Tom had hit a nerve. No hyperbole, I was bona fide flabbergasted. (Amusing aside + random flashback: Model United Nations Illinois 2002. The high school student representing the Republic of Korea responds to a disagreeable resolution: “I’m, I’m, I’m…perpetually flabbergasted by this proposal.” Sometimes I wonder if he’s still experiencing flabbergastion now, and hope he’s doing OK.)

At first, I couldn’t believe the story. But upon reflection, I realized that my rewarding experiences with feedback—professionally in consulting and personally in accountability groups—are likely not the norm. My rude awakening sounded like: “So, in this feedback world, there really is something to fear beyond fear itself? Ouch.”

Unfortunately, real people experience real retaliation for providing constructive feedback. While this harsh reality is saddening, excellence demands these risks not be allowed to hamper powerful dialogue. The risk just elevates the need for an extra dose of courage and finesse. True, the extreme worst-case scenario is that delivering feedback results in getting fired. If that’s the case, it’s probably a work environment worth leaving.

So, all introspection and preaching aside, below are some tips for giving and receiving feedback.

Tips for giving feedback

• It’s okay to be scared. It’s easy to forget that not all that is awkward (AKA scary) is bad. Indeed, the fear can add a thrill to work-a-day living! The consequences of speaking up can be real, but the consequences of silence are every bit as real.
• The question is not whether, but how. If you’re committed to creating excellence, it’s not even a question if you should speak up. The only real question is how to do so optimally.
• Do it privately, respectfully. Make sure that the feedback is one-on-one, and comes from a shared commitment toward something greater, as opposed to a desire to lash out.
• Tell the good stuff too! Feedback doesn’t need to be a terrible “F word.” When you provide balanced perspectives, your words take on greater weight.

Tips for receiving feedback

• Ask—and mean it. When you’re at the top, it’s easy to ask for feedback and then blow people off, but when you really ponder and apply their thoughts, magic happens.
• Ask everywhere. You can learn from people everywhere. While orienting me to the microphones at my last speaking engagement, AJ, the “sound guy,” mentioned that he did tons of events. I asked, “Do you see a lot of speakers?” He confirmed that he’d seen Colin Powell and all sorts of other greats. So I asked, “Would you mind watching me closely and providing some feedback based on what you see?” Yesterday, AJ sent me a 500-word email giving me specific feedback on my particular strengths and development areas relative to the speaking rockstars he’s seen. What a bounty! The best information is often hiding inside people whose opinions are never requested.
• Enable anonymity. From suggestion boxes to Survey Monkeys or an anonymousfeedback@gmail.com equivalent, anonymity can yield all sorts of feedback gems…and reinforce that you’re serious when you ask for feedback.
• Just say “Thank you.” I’ve heard “The truth will set you free…but first it will really tick you off” attributed to several. Whoever said it, it’s true! The first instinct is often to fight. Try suppressing that instinct and it and exploring the message from their perspective. If you need a moment to ponder before responding, try a stalling phrase.

I hope the above will slightly help, in some small way, to elevate the heroic feedbackers like Tom’s friend.

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