So, the freakiest thing happened to me at a Subway restaurant. This total stranger—let’s call him “Rich”—plopped a book onto my table and asked, “Could you provide some quick feedback on my book?” Now, normal people would probably have said, “Looks good” or “Sorry, I’ve gotta go” and ran. But, I’m all about feedback, and I’ve often wanted perspectives from strangers, so I told him what I thought. He got very excited.

“Oh, you must work in publishing!” I told him I was a speaker/author, and he insisted that we collaborate on his radio show and theater, etc. Now, my “sketchy sense” was tingling, but as I tried to formulate my response, he said something genius: “I get the sense that you’re busy and that speaking with me for even another 90 seconds would create significant disruption.” How perceptive!

Well, the line worked. I ended up talking to him for 90 minutes across two meetings. Yes, my initial instincts were right, and this was a poor use of time. But when I asked around about Rich, two other bloggers AND my video guy reported having the same lengthy exchanges with him out of nowhere! Wow.

How does this man manage to talk to strangers for long stretches of time? He continually identifies and speaks what his interlocutors are thinking / feeling. He acknowledges the inherent awkwardness and oddity of the situation, and that creates a kind of connection. In other words, he’s a master at calling a spade a spade. He kept it extra real.

This technique plays out in all sorts of interpersonal exchanges. Examples and questions for thought follow.

Telemarketers and street fundraisers

When someone just accosts you and dives into their spiel, don’t you just feel disconnected, overwhelmed, and annoyed? But when they acknowledge the situation, it feels like real humans having real conversation. Hearing something like, “Hey, I’m not really one to talk to strangers either, but if you’ve got two minutes, I think you’ll want to know about _____” feels better. How do you acknowledge the dynamic in your salesy moments?

Working styles

A Partner at a consulting firm once humbly admitted, “I’ve got something of an anxious personality. I’m pretty sure I get that from my mother.” Whew! After hearing him say that, I was so much more comfortable with the project. Before I worried that we might be doing a marginal job and be at risk of disappointing the client—afterwards I realized it’s just that’s how he interacts. What are some watch-outs in your personal work style?

Speaking

Master speaker Tony Robbins does a great job of speaking what the audience is thinking. He says things like, “I know, that seems so simple it’s kind of ridiculous…and I’d love to make it more complicated, but that’s really just how it is.” This combination of self-deprecation and identifying audience thoughts makes people feel like they’re chatting with a buddy. How are your words coming across to others?

Job expectations

When recruiting people, it’s tempting to play up the benefits and glamour that a job may provide. This is a terrible idea. Employees later feel disillusioned, disappointed, and deceived when they experience the hard realities. Volunteers simply disappear or don’t follow-through. You may have had to stifle a giggle when an employer told you something would be a great “professional development opportunity” when they really meant, “this is something way beneath our pay grade, so you need to take care of this.” Leveling with folks (e.g. “This isn’t sexy, but it’s critical.”) usually produces better results. Have you ever felt misled? What’d that do for your working relationship?

Proactively calling a spade a spade can produce surprisingly positive results…but please don’t do it to harass strangers at Subway!

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