Requests for advice/feedback/connections typically result in one of two conversations:

1. A lengthy, joyous exchange of insight, wisdom, and experience
2. 10 minutes of awkward irritation

What makes the difference? Typically, it boils down to the asker following–or flouting–three simple rules of asking etiquette.

1. The asker must cover his bases.

The askee, especially when he’s a stranger, will have several natural questions floating through his head. The asker ought to provide clear, compelling answers to the following:

• Who are you?
• What do you want?
• How can I help?
• Why me?
• Why now?

Additionally, the asker should have answers to anything answerable through 10-minutes with Google or the person’s publications (including websites). A professor once told me, “Nothing makes me angrier than someone consuming my time with questions that could easily be answered by reading my featured papers’ abstracts.” Ouch!

On a positive note, the converse is also true. Recently a young speaker found me on CAMPUSPEAK and emailed me, asking for advice. He got me going! I talked for over an hour and then sent a lengthy follow-up email. Other times, I’m more stingy. The difference was this young man demonstrated he was knowledgeable about the business. He was not some guy with a fleeting interest in speaking as a path to easy money (hint: it’s not). Instead, he clearly showed he was committed to making a difference. I was excited to become a part of that.

2. The asker must make it easy.

Ideally, the askee should do nothing but lean back and pontificate. The asker, as the beneficiary of the askee’s wisdom, does everything else. This rule manifests itself in lots of tiny ways. The asker can help put the askee in a receptive mood by:

• Asking for and accommodating the askee’s preferences for date, time, location, and medium
• Paying for the askee’s coffee/beer/lunch/dinner/whatever
• Directing the conversation with pre-established questions or an agenda (emailing in advance can also be appreciated).
• Following-up with a thank you email and recapping next steps
• Following-up the leads the askee provides—quickly

Again, when done correctly, the askee does almost zero work. She doesn’t even have to trouble her head with remembering next steps; the asker even assumes the “work” of remembering all follow-up actions.

3. The asker must keep it real.

Whenever I got to return to my alma mater for recruiting trips with Bain, I was amused by how many Seniors stopped being people and started becoming jobseekers. They would approach me and open up the conversation with something like, “Hello, I’m looking to combine my interest in accounting and finance with my analytical skill set by pursuing a challenging career track in the field of management consulting wherein I…”

After about 120 of those conversations in a day, I wanted to interrupt them and say, “Hey! I’m just a dude who’s one year older than you. Can we just talk person-to-person instead of this doing weird jobseeker-to-recruiter vibe?”

People are people…and they like helping other real people! Misguided notions of manners or professionalism often impede the honest sharing that really connects people. Askers can begin forming real relationships with askees invested in their success when they reveal real pieces of themselves—their personality, passions, concerns, interests, and gratitude.

Happy asking!